Posted by: tishtash | November 5, 2009

Not Expected

Drifting  towards the ground
Dancing, twirling, gently swaying
Settling in the dirt without a sound

The world is  still
Anxious, curious, timidly waiting
The silence carries an ominous chill

Laying motionless and alone
Clouds, rain, thunder and lightening
Into chaos, everything is thrown

Desiring to run away
Fighting, shouting, desperately praying
Now realizing nothing will be okay

No way to escape
Confused, scared, silently hoping
The reality is it’s rape

Nothing is the same
Paranoid, hurting, utterly terrified
Overcome with a blanket of shame

Logic says the other is at fault
Unsure, frustrated, constantly doubting
Is it possible to deserve such an assault

Posted by: tishtash | November 3, 2009

Give, Grant, Gather, Guard

God give me words
To express this pain
Deep within my soul

God grant me solace
From these memories
That haunt my dreams

God gather me close
To heal the brokenness
Hidden within my heart

God guard me today
From these thoughts
That threaten my life

Posted by: tishtash | October 28, 2009

Dream, Child, Dream

The waters are calling

The depths are beckoning

 

Providing escape

Offering hope

 

The world says to fight

The soul says find rest

 

To fight is to live

To rest is to die

 

Life

Death

 

Right

Wrong

 

Obtaining eternal sleep

Gaining eternal peace

 

Step by step

Breath after breath

 

Gently, gently

Feel the waters rise

 

Closely, closely

See the depths surround

 

Slowly, slowly

Exhale the final breath

 

Dream, child, dream

Enter eternal sleep

Posted by: tishtash | October 28, 2009

You Can’t Run

You can’t run from your past

You can’t hide from the memories in your mind

You can only pray that your feet are firmly planted

So that you can stand against the storm

 

It won’t be easy

It won’t be quick

But you’ve been preparing

Whether you know it or not

For a time such as this

 

Tears will fall

Your heart will break

Your soul will scream in protest

Scabs will be ripped off

Wounds will be reopened

Blood will flow one again

 

You can’t run from your past

You can’t hide from the memories in your mind

You can only pray that your feet are firmly planted

So that you can stand against the storm

 

The battle will be hard

The war will be long

But God has prepared you

Whether you know it or not

For a time such as this

 

You will wonder God has gone

Whether God was ever there

Hold fast to your faith

Believe in your heart

God is there

God has always been there

God will always be there

You are not alone

 

So plant your feet

Hold your head up high

Stand strong

 

It is time

Posted by: tishtash | July 25, 2009

I’m Still Alive!

Ugh so I’ve been a horrible blogger who hasn’t updated this thing in forever! In my defence, I have been  really busy between working at Prague and OCU… That and I blame my friend Hannah for getting me addicted to FarmTown after reading about her addictions to it in her blog :)

To update you all on my life – things have been going great! I have sort of had a transformation in the last few weeks – the best way to describe it is that I feel alive again. For the first time in months I have been able to smile genuinely, laugh till it hurt, and experience the deepest joy in the simplest things. On top of all that, I have been more productive in relation to my work at both OCU and Prague. I have a lot of great, well at least I think they are great, things planned for the youth in the upcoming year. I’m having my first Youth/Parent meeting on the 23rd and hopefully this will help to get some of the youth who haven’t been as involved a reason to get more involved.

As excited as I am about some of the things I have in the works for the youth program, it is all a little bittersweet. Most likely August 1, 2010 will be my last day at Prague UMC. I graduate this May and this time next year I’ll be preparing to begin a new chapter of my life, hopefully in Chicago, as I go off to seminary. Part of my motivation, in relation to Prague, other than feeling like myself again, is that I don’t want to be one of those youth directors who knows their leaving and stops trying… I want to continue things are usual with my youth and keep doing new and better things up until I leave. I want to leave on a high note, with things planned that the new youth director can either do or change, but I don’t want to leave with a dying youth program and with nothing planned, especially if the church will have to go a month or two without a youth director.

As frustrating as it has been sometimes to have to constantly drive back and forth each and every week, to deal with the church politics, and to simply have to be the one in charge, I love this church and I love my youth. They have changed my life in so many ways – all for the better. I’m excited for what this next year has to bring and I look forward to growing a bit more as a youth director, as a person of faith, and just me in general.

Posted by: tishtash | July 11, 2009

Prodigal Daughter

God so far away
Hope nearly forgotten
Love so longed for
Where is faith
In the midst of despair
Where is belief
In the midst of doubt
Where is the foundation
That used to be so strong

Forgive the failures
Of this past year
Forgive the mistakes
Of this ever searching soul
Allow this prodigal daughter
To return to her home
Into her Creator’s embrace
Out of the darkness and cold
God, Hope, Love
Enter this heart again.

Posted by: tishtash | July 10, 2009

To Be A Christian Nation or To Not Be A Christian Nation

Something to ponder on:

If it took us this long to elect an African American as president how long will it take us to elect an Hispanic American, an Asian American? How long will it take us to elect a female? How long will it take us to elect someone who is Jewish or Muslim or Hindu or Buddhist or Atheist or Agnostic?

In the last few elections political commentators always mention who the Christian right is going to vote for… The sad and pathetic thing is, we could have an amazing, well qualified Muslim person up for election, most likely on the Democrat side, and a Republican who is “Christian” but mud slings, has a zero qualifications, and is just a not all around great person and the Christian right would vote for the “Christian” politician simply because he/she is a “Christian.”

Over and over and over again I keep hearing about bringing “Christian” values back to America or how we need a leader who has “good Christian values” in office. Why oh why does he or she have to be Christian? Are we really so narrow minded and ignorant that we ignore the fact that many of the “Christian” values we have are also found in other religions or in people who aren’t a part of a religious community.

We can not EVER make this nation a Christian nation. To declare it so would be going against not only our Constitution but against some of the very reasons our foremothers and forefathers came to this land – religious freedom. Yes, it is important for our political leaders to have good values but they do not have to have good “Christian” values. And if they happen to hold to Christian values, good for them, but that does not give them the right to force others who are not Christian to hold to those values (or who are Christian but disagree with them).

I fear that in the upcoming elections, particularly the presidential election in 2012 – it will become a battle between those who support religious freedom and those who believe that this nation to be a Christian nation only… If God were to turn away from our nation (which I do not at all believe God would do or is doing), it’s not going to be because we aren’t a Christian nation, it will be because we decided to be one and in the process oppressed and ostracized everyone else.

Posted by: tishtash | July 5, 2009

Called Out

In light of Sally Kern and her “Proclamation of Morality” which is nothing more than a shameless fear tactic and more gay hate mongering, this has been an interesting week… Oddly enough, I had planned on doing a discussion with my youth on how they felt about what Sally Kern said in this proclamation, particularly regarding should Christianity be the only religion of the US? Is our economic crisis because of women getting abortions, same sex couples wanting to be married, heterosexual couples wanting to get divorced? Which, if you think about it, all of those things cost money so don’t they actually help the economy?

Well, I love my youth but they are not morning discussion people. So we ended up just chatting about 4th of July, the massive thunderstorm that roared through Prague last night, and how tired they all were. To be honest, I don’t remember what sparked this comment but at one point, one of my youth, jokingly, said so and so is a “jewface.” Initially I thought he said  duffus (which I know is spelled wrong but I have idea how to spell it) but to double check I asked him, “What did you say?” He said it again and to triple check, “You said ‘Jew – Face’?” And he affirmed that is what he said… Now, I had never heard that term before but I knew from context he was using it in a derogatory way and I called him out immediately on it. I simply said, I don’t want to ever hear you use that phrase again, that is discriminatory and anti-semitic and would be ever more highly offensive if it was ever said in the presence of someone who is Jewish.  Normally, I don’t ever really get mad with my youth, and they know this… They also could tell what was said had really offended me, and I’m not even Jewish, but I do have friends who are. I did feel bad to call my youth out in front of everyone but honestly, if I could do it again, I wouldn’t change what I did. Yes, it would still probably be better to pull him off to the side after Sunday School and say, hey that is not okay but, at the same time, my youth really need to learn to watch what they say…. More often than not they will make gay jokes, hispanic jokes, immigrant jokes, etc and I know that I haven’t done enough to call them out on it and put a stop to it. Well, that’s changing. Prague may be a small town but sooner or late they will all be going out and experiencing the world outside of Prague, one that will not be so tolerant of their intolerance and ignorance towards people who are different from them. Much of their attitude is because 1. They live in a very conservative small town. 2. They live in Oklahoma 3. For most of them its how they were raised and what they’ve grown up around.

The most disheartening thing about the incident this morning was when the youth I had called out told me that I would need to talk to his mom then because apparently she says that all the time… This is why racism still exists, this is why there is so much hate still towards people who are different races, ethnicities, or religions. Parents continue to pass it on to their children who have yet to find an adult who tells them differently… I’m going to be that adult, I can’t just sit back and let this go on. It may make me unpopular with them but anti-semitism, racism, discrimination, homophobia – none of those things are okay.

Posted by: tishtash | June 28, 2009

When You Wrestle with God You Will Always Lose

I’ve spent the last few weeks doing all I could to fight my call. I began looking at other degree options and even requested information from universities with social work masters degree. All in all I was determined that I didn’t want to work in the Church, I wasn’t really called to work in the Church, and I was going to do all in my power to see that I didn’t end up in the Church…

Here’s the thing: When you wrestle with God you will always lose. Deep down I knew the whole time I was going to end up in the church and I knew I was called to be an elder. I let my own doubts, fears, and frustrations put me into a blind panic about my calling and my future instead of simply trusting in God. Over the past few weeks, and especially this past week I’ve been praying about my calling, constantly asking God, “What do You want me to do with my life?” And while there was never a giant booming voice from heaven or a burning bush to tell me what to do, God has always spoken to me the loudest through others and through music. This week in worship we sang “The Summons” from The Faith We Sing and last week it was Here I Am Lord two very powerful songs in relation to callings. At district camp, calling came up again and again and I felt the tug towards the church again and again. The few people I’ve talked to in depth about this struggle have all been supportive of my searching but all have said, either directly or indirectly, that they fully believed I was called to be an elder, I was called to serve the Church…. Well, here I am.

I gave up fighting this morning. I still carry the same doubts and fears that I did before but I’m placing a little more trust in God to make this all work out.

One of my biggest fears/disappointments was that the Church was no longer home for me ever since I started working in it and if I committed my life to working in the Church that would mean it would never feel like home again. I’m beginning to realize that the Church isn’t a building and neither is my home. What made the Church feel like home for me when I was a youth wasn’t the physical building but the people who inhabited it. I have many of those same kinds of people involved in my life right now as close friends and mentors. We may not gather under the same roof every Wednesday and Sunday to worship but I consider them my family and anytime I am around them I am “home” and there is the same deep spiritual connection to them outside the walls of the Church as there are inside (sometimes even stronger outside).

As far as whether or not I can really do this pastor thing – well – I suppose that is another thing that I’m going to have to trust God on… You know, I’m starting to think this whole thing is less about my call and more about my lack of trust in God… Oh well, either way, I’m back on the tract for elder (though I am still thinking about doing dual MDiv/MSW and possibly getting licenced as a counselor as well as ordained as a minister) and I’m learning to trust in God more – two very good things! :)

Posted by: tishtash | June 27, 2009

A Battle of the Spirit

Once there was a time
When words flowed from this heart
As easily as a water down a stream
But now this heart is conflicted
And there just don’t seem to be words
That can express the battle within
Hope versus despair
Joy versus loneliness
Peace versus chaos
Love versus hate
A battle of the spirit
Scars ripped open
Strength waning
Endurance fading
One side must win
But no matter the victor
Nothing will ever be the same
Nothing can ever be the same

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